November 20, 2014

He Gives and Takes Away

Our second baby left this world to be with Jesus this week, and my heart is aching with a grief I never knew possible. For weeks, we were growing with excitement and anticipation over sharing the news with our families at Thanksgiving.  We naively assumed this pregnancy would progress fairly smoothly, as it did with Oliver. However, at the beginning of this week I started experiencing symptoms of a miscarriage, and the OB told me to come in right away. I went in with some hope in my heart, but the overall gut feeling that something just wasn't right. My worries and fears were confirmed with an ultrasound that showed no heartbeat. 

Our minds were filled with hopes and dreams for Oliver's new brother or sister. Our dreams have been crushed, and all I can think about is the newborn I'll never hold, the smile I'll never see, the voice I'll never hear, the arms that will never be wrapped around my neck, and the sibling relationship I'll never see develop. I am aching over the loss of the person that baby would become. 

We are clinging to each other and clinging to the cross and our faith. We are so blessed by Oliver, but so deeply saddened by the loss of his brother or sister. I have been grappling with so many questions. Why God? Why would you bless us with this baby and then take him/her away so quickly? We are so open and willing to be parents - why do you give babies to drug addicts or people who don't care for their kids, but take ours away? Why us?  

I found these beautiful words that have offered me such hope and peace:

"My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.” 

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity." 

-- Mother M. Angelica



Our baby is now a Saint in heaven, and one thing that has brought us peace is that he or she will never know the pain and suffering that we experience in this world.  No fear, no worries, no anxiety, no stress, no pain, and no loneliness. He or she is experiencing nothing but God's love and goodness in heaven, what we hope for all of our children someday. 

God has been really challenging my heart to show thanksgiving in all circumstances recently, and this is putting me to the test.  He is still showering us with his graces throughout this painful week, and if I seek him, I feel his presence with us throughout this. I am thankful we were met with love and compassion by healthcare workers. I am thankful for the woman who drew my blood, held my hand, looked me in the eyes with sorrow, and so genuinely said "God bless you, sweetie." I'm thankful for the doctor who told me to cling to my faith. I'm thankful for those that have openly shared their own experiences and pain. I am thankful for my husband who has been my rock throughout all of this, crying with me and pushing me to pray when I least feel like it. I am thankful for our sweet Oliver who doesn't know of this loss and who continues to bring us so much joy and laughter throughout all of this.  I am thankful for our faith that reassures us that our baby sees God's face and the most splendid treasures that heaven holds. 

It's hard and it hurts, but in the midst of the lies the Devil is trying to make me believe, I still believe in a God who is mighty, loving, giving, and faithful.  He is the author and Creator with the power to give and take away as he pleases. I don't know or understand his plans for us right now, but I know he always has and always will make all things work together for our good. We have hope as an anchor for our souls, and I am thankful for that gift.

Please pray for healing for us and pray for the soul of our baby. 

46 comments:

  1. Prayers for you and your family. May God richly bless you today, during this time, and always.

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    1. From my own experience of miscarriage, it helped to give our little ones' a name. Every year (on the anniversary) we celebrate the "Feast of Saint _____" with a special meal or dessert (in memory). Prayers.

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  2. Prayers for you and your little saint. The church of the holy innocents in ny, has a book of life, that you can ask your baby be added to. Sorry you are having to go through this.

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  3. I'm so sorry, Caitlin. Our experience was similar with it being our second baby and the pain of a lost sibling as well as a lost child. If you would like to chat or would like me to share some resources that helped me after my losses, please contact me.

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  4. I'm so so sorry! :( Keeping you in my prayers

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  5. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my prayers!

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  6. Oh, Caitlin, I am so deeply sorry for you and Thomas. I will offer up a rosary tonight for you and your precious little one. Many prayers for healing and a future full of hope.

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  7. I am so sorry and will be keeping your family in my prayers. <3

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss! Be assured of my prayers tonight.

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  9. Praying for your family, for peace, and for healing, sweet Caitlin <3

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  10. I'll be remembering you in prayer this year, Caitlin. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  11. Prayers - I lost my third child (second in a row loss) around this time last year. It is hard to face "Thanksgiving" after such an ordeal.

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  12. So sorry! We will definitely pray for your family and ask your little saint's intercession!

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  13. I'm so glad you found that prayer by M. Angelica. I found the imagery very healing when a friend sent it to is after our losses, and I try to send it to others who are so sadly facing the same. There is also a blessing for the parents and family of the child under the prayer on the EWTN website in case you haven't seen it. We pray it every Oct 15th for Pregnancy & Infant Loss awareness day.

    I'm so sorry you are facing this incredible ache and sadness, and I am sending prayers and asking our saints and yours to intercede in a special way for you in the days to come. I hope you give yourself an abundance of time and compassion. Big hugs friend.

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  14. Hugs ansd love and prayers, my friend...

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  15. I'm praying for you and your whole family Caitlin! I wish I could give you a hug but in the mean time know that I'm so sorry for y'alls loss.

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  16. Oh Caitlin, my heart is broken for you. Your faith is nothing short of beautiful. Praying that God continues to pour his grace over all four of you. <3

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  17. I am so sorry, and I will be praying for you in your grief at this time!

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  18. I am very sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family. May God be with you during this difficult time. Please please let me know if you need anything. My first two children are with the Lord. I'm sure they are welcoming your little one with open arms.

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  19. Caitlin, I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family, that you may feel some healing and comfort.

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  20. Caitlin, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Suffering a miscarriage is a pain that nobody truly understands unless they have gone through it as well. I have lost two babies (in between my two healthy pregnancies) and the pain and sense of loss is indescribable. Be sure to take the time to grieve - I love to think about how our grief is such a beautiful sign of how loved, how wanted that precious soul was during their very, very brief lifetime! Now your family has a little angel in heaven! You are in my prayers.

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  21. I will be praying for you, your husband, and both of your children - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

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  22. Caitlin, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers as well as Thomas, Oliver and your sweet little one.

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  23. I'm sorry. :-( We went through this a month ago and I really feel your pain. What helped us the most is that we gave baby a name and are now praying to him/her every night and morning. We will pray for you too. Gos bless!

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  24. I am so sorry for your loss. We have a whole pack of saints in heaven, it doesn't make it easier in this life, but it gives us great hope for the next one. Sending prayers for all of you.

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  25. I am so sorry to hear/read about this. Please know of my prayers for you and your beautiful family. On Earth and in Heaven. Hugs!

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  26. Caitlin, miscarriage is such a cross, such a hard, hard cross. Your words are are really beautiful and really spoke to my heart (I lost my baby Peter seven years ago). I will pray for you and your family. I wish I could bring you a meal and give you a hug. God love you.

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  27. Caitlin, even though I don't know you personally and I am visiting your blog for the first time via Bonnie, I wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I will lift you and your family in prayer during this sad and difficult time. May you feel God's peace and love.

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  28. Beautiful post. So sorry for your loss. We lost our second baby right after Christmas almost two years ago. There is something especially stinging at the death of a baby around the holidays which are supposed to be joyous times. I think about our baby girl often and miss her everyday, but am so thankful for her prayers for us in heaven. Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.

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  29. Oh, Caitlin...my heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry to hear that you are carrying this cross. Know that I will be praying for you and Thomas and your family in a special way. May God bless you and fill you with the peace of Christ...

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  30. Oh Caitlin, so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and Thomas in a special way...much love and hugs to your family during this time of grieving

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  31. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Praying for you.

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  32. The depth of your pain must be enormous right now. The pain over my first miscarriage helped me to better understand the impact such a small soul can have on the world and how much I had really desired to have more children (I had been rather flippant "well if it happens, it happens!" before). My first would have been 8 this past spring. I have lived with one foot in this world and one in heaven since that first miscarriage. I find comfort in knowing that each loved one I lose here on earth (grandpa, grandma, etc) gets to meet those beautiful and perfect infant souls - who are most dear to the Lord. What a joyous reunion we will have with our children one day! I pray that your physical and emotional healing is swift. That being cast into the fire will purify you and make your soul even more beautiful, strong and pure for your husband and son.

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  33. Caitlin,

    We lost our first baby at 8 weeks and I so know what you mean when you say you have felt challenged to feel thankful and to not question God. I was angry, so so angry, for months over the loss of our baby. My husband and I pray to our little angel every night. I promise, it *will* get better.

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  34. Oh Caitlin, My heart breaks for you and your family. My prayers are with you all during this difficult time. -Andrea

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  35. I have no words. Just prayers. And a big, virtual hug for you <3

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  36. There are no words my friend, no words... I am praying for you all. Tears along with yours... ~tara

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  37. I'm sorry about your loss. Praying for your sweet family.

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  38. Oh I am so incredibly sorry for your loss!!! Prayers.

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  39. Hi Caitlin,
    This is my first time to your blog. I follow you on Instagram and something led me to read your blog today. I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss, and of the deep pain and sorrow you are feeling right now. Thank you for sharing your experience and pain with the world. You are so brave and your faith in God is so big. You are helping so many people draw closer to God by being open and honest with the world about where your strength and love comes from...even in the midst of deep pain. I am praying for you right now Caitlin. God Bless You, and I look forward to getting to know you as a fellow sister in Christ in the blogging world.
    May God surround and protect you, your husband and son. "Keep me as the apple of your eye, hide me in the shadow of your wings" (Psalm 17:8).

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  40. Caitlin: I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get to a computer to give you my condolences. (I always read blogs on my iPod and commenting is just so hard.) I have certainly been thinking of you in the last week though. It feels like all of my blogging friends have had a loss in the last year (me included). Try checking out the MC chat Mandi set up on Facebook and let me know if you want to read posts on losses from other bloggers (not sure if we both follow all the same people). Did you name your little one? I'd love to know the name if you did. Sending you so much empathy...

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  41. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family.

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  42. Hi Caitlin, I missed this post when our daughter had a terrible health scare and needed emergency eye surgery. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You and your husband have my deepest sympathy. Know that you are lifted in prayer. God bless you!

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