Our minds were filled with hopes and dreams for Oliver's new brother or sister. Our dreams have been crushed, and all I can think about is the newborn I'll never hold, the smile I'll never see, the voice I'll never hear, the arms that will never be wrapped around my neck, and the sibling relationship I'll never see develop. I am aching over the loss of the person that baby would become.
We are clinging to each other and clinging to the cross and our faith. We are so blessed by Oliver, but so deeply saddened by the loss of his brother or sister. I have been grappling with so many questions. Why God? Why would you bless us with this baby and then take him/her away so quickly? We are so open and willing to be parents - why do you give babies to drug addicts or people who don't care for their kids, but take ours away? Why us?
I found these beautiful words that have offered me such hope and peace:
"My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity."
-- Mother M. Angelica
Our baby is now a Saint in heaven, and one thing that has brought us peace is that he or she will never know the pain and suffering that we experience in this world. No fear, no worries, no anxiety, no stress, no pain, and no loneliness. He or she is experiencing nothing but God's love and goodness in heaven, what we hope for all of our children someday.
God has been really challenging my heart to show thanksgiving in all circumstances recently, and this is putting me to the test. He is still showering us with his graces throughout this painful week, and if I seek him, I feel his presence with us throughout this. I am thankful we were met with love and compassion by healthcare workers. I am thankful for the woman who drew my blood, held my hand, looked me in the eyes with sorrow, and so genuinely said "God bless you, sweetie." I'm thankful for the doctor who told me to cling to my faith. I'm thankful for those that have openly shared their own experiences and pain. I am thankful for my husband who has been my rock throughout all of this, crying with me and pushing me to pray when I least feel like it. I am thankful for our sweet Oliver who doesn't know of this loss and who continues to bring us so much joy and laughter throughout all of this. I am thankful for our faith that reassures us that our baby sees God's face and the most splendid treasures that heaven holds.
Please pray for healing for us and pray for the soul of our baby.